When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges “Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” – Stephen Brown “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. “They French cannae count – you ask for twa rolls and they give ye three.” An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into an envelope” – Frankie Boyle “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. “No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.” If you invent something, you can p**s on it” – Kevin BridgesĪ man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. “We invented the phone so we’re entitled to use the phone box however we see fit. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.” – Frankie Boyle “In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. [On reasons to drink Irn Bru} “Water: it tastes of f*** all” – Limmy We managed to make it home in one piece” – Sanjeev Kohli

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray

‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. “I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

“Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin” – Frankie Boyle “We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.” When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?” The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home” – Billy Connolly One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!’ – Reddit What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song? He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay “There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. “In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. “When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohliĭidn't know Airdrie was bilingual. “Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace” – Billy Connolly A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

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